We worship your music.
Hello there, this is Adam.
Hey, this is Joe.
Welcome to another Coke New Music podcast where we'll be bringing you the very best unsigned bands from across Europe who have uploaded their music onto the Coke New Music website.
And as well as that, we'll be talking about your sexual and marital problems.
I've got quite a serious sexual and marital problem.
Joe's going to be telling you a little bit more about that later on in the programme.
Sorry, it's hurting even now.
Oh dear.
Oh, it stings.
Is it what?
It belongs to Sting?
Well, yeah, Sting is involved.
It's Sting's?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I keep having dreams of blue turtles.
All of this, ladies and gentlemen, will be explained throughout the show.
Possibly.
But before, let's hear some music, why don't we?
Okay, let's start in Denmark this week.
Would you like to start in Denmark, Joe?
Yeah.
What have the Danes ever given us?
Vikings.
Vikings, correct.
Great Danes.
That's right.
Claire Danes.
Yep.
Danes with a stranger.
That's just a mispronunciation of the title of the film, Dance with a Stranger.
That's no good.
That's no good.
Giant beer.
Giant beer.
Lots of things, man.
The thing about the Danish is they're very modest.
Bacon.
You missed out the obvious one.
They're very, very modest and they don't like to trumpet their achievements like us Brits.
Well, they hate trumpets.
They loathe trumpets.
You actually can't enter Denmark with any kind of brass instrument.
OK, so let's hear the first of our tracks this month.
This is X-Ray Spirit with Snake & Jet's amazing bullet band.
Yeah, there you go.
That's X-Ray Spirit.
They're from Denmark.
That was quite good.
I love that.
I think they're brilliant.
We've heard that a couple of times now, listeners.
And the first time I heard it, I liked it.
Second time I heard it, I liked it about twice as much.
Yeah, I really like it.
I kind of want to go and stay with them.
What would you do?
Because I just think they're really cool.
I think the guy probably wears snakeskin cowboy boots.
And I think they're a bit like the White Stripes, you know, but even more fun.
More fun than the White Stripes?
Yeah!
Which is hard to imagine, isn't it?
Well, I don't know how anyone could be more fun than Meg White.
Do you think?
She's attractive.
Yeah.
She's a good drummer.
Yeah.
I fancy Meg White.
Do you really?
She's a bit scraggly.
I love Meg White.
Really?
I like her scraggly.
Really?
Yeah.
She's probably a bit stinky.
Il y a du monde au balcon.
What does that mean?
She is giant on the chest.
Oh, she's got... yeah.
There is a party under her chin.
That's what I'm saying, and it's a good one.
You don't think that her, like, mantelpiece needs scrubbing?
Ah yes I do, and I have to... Her windows need washing.
And I have to scrub her.
Do you not think her oven needs some... Hey, get out of her oven.
Right now.
Stay out of Meg White's oven.
I don't know, I think she needs a bit of a cleaner.
Back to x-ray spirit.
Two six, two six, two six, forty four, sixty six.
What are you talking about?
That's one of the lines in the song.
That's forthcoming?
No, in that track that we just listened to.
Oh, I wasn't listening to the words, I was listening to the keyboard sounds.
What was that, a xylophone?
I reckon he might have sampled a stylophone.
A stylophone, not a xylophone?
No.
A xylophone's just a xylophone.
Yeah.
Bing bong, bing bong.
Would you like some more music?
Yes please.
I'm like an old lady with a tray of cakes and music.
Right now we're going to Britain, Joe.
I've never been to Britain.
Well, let me tell you something.
What's it like?
It's a disaster area.
I'll tell you what Britain is full of.
What?
Punks.
Yeah.
Vicious kids with guns.
Chimney sweeps.
Chimney sweeps.
The Queen.
Posh people.
Tony Blair.
And Margaret Thatcher.
And people playing croquet.
Croquet.
And eating cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
And I think that's what you'll find this band doing.
And they do it while they're travelling from London to Leeds, because that's where they're based.
They've got dual citizenship.
No, they own two homes.
They own London.
That makes them millionaires in British terms.
Exactly.
One of them's London, one of them's in Leeds.
I don't know where the lady is.
There's a lady singing on this.
But this track is called Cold and it's by a combo called Tarentum.
See what you think of this?
That was by a band called Tarentum and the track was called Cold.
It reminded me a little bit of Underwater Love.
Do you remember that from the jeans commercial?
This must be Underwater Love.
But then it went in a different direction.
It went in that sort of classical guitar direction.
And it reminded me of some stuff I found on YouTube the other day.
You know, obviously, the comments that people post under the clips there.
And there's a certain type of person that leaves absolutely furious comments about pretty much everything, you know, and they're just full of expletives and they just want to kick everyone's bottom or punch them right in the face or
They hate everything they see.
Anyway, sometimes I amuse myself by kind of tracing those comments back to their source and seeing what kind of clips those people enjoy.
Kind of profiling them.
You can only get so far, you know, because it's still anonymous.
They always have some kind of crazy...
I've got
I went onto his profile and he was a classical guitar virtuoso, this guy.
And he posted about eight videos of himself sat semi-naked in his front room.
He looked like one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, this bloke.
He must have been about... Sexy.
He was sort of sexy.
He must have been about sexy.
He was about sexy and 18 or 19 years old or something, little goatee, sort of Latin swarthy good looks.
I'm not... Now he's naked from head to foot?
No, no, no.
Semi-naked, I said.
Topless.
So he's topless.
Right.
And sinewy.
It's quite easy, I mean, to be naked with a guitar.
Right.
Covers up the, you know, key area.
He didn't need to cover anything up, man.
He was good to go, this guy.
You know, I'm not a gay man, I'm a married man.
But I could tell you right now... Hey, gay people can be married.
So rethink that.
I'm not living a lie though.
Mr 2007.
I'm not living a lie.
Okay, okay, good, good.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I am pretty sure.
100% 100% certain I'm not living a lie.
But, you know, even from my not living a lie married perspective, I could see that this guy was was a very sexy little man.
You're living a lie.
So obviously a lot of the people who like me had traced him back to their site were leaving incredibly abusive comments about him and his slightly effeminate guitar playing stylings.
And sort of, you know, you can imagine the kind of things they were saying.
And then he was coming back at them with even more furious kind of death threats and stuff.
It was amazing.
Like, this guy lives in a world of fury with just little isolated oases of calm when he plays his guitar extremely well, I might add.
He was a really good guitar player.
What a strange little world.
I tell you what, the internet is mad, isn't it?
One of the comments that really made him furious, this guy, that people had left about his guitar stylings, was, yeah, that was a pretty good version of Nocturne, not great though.
And he went nuts about that.
Because it was great.
And I'll have to cover up the swearing in this, but basically he sort of said, like,
Who are you to criticise my playing, unless you're John Williams?
Shut the frack up before I bunch-slap your posy ass at you, you cork-munching franglot.
Well, I need some more new music to clear the air after you turned it blue.
Would you like a slice of Afrobeat?
I'd love a slice of Afrobeat.
Well, we don't usually serve Afrobeat here, sir, but this week we've got some in for you, and I think you're going to find it rather delightful.
What's it called, this track?
It's called Chocolate Show.
Who's it by?
It's by a chap called William Wesley, and he hails from France.
Well, shove it up my ear holes.
OK, here it comes.
Chocolate Show, there, by Wesley Willis.
No, Fred Wesley.
No.
Wincy Willis.
Wincy Willis.
William Wesley.
Bruce Willis.
William Wesley.
He sounds like a founding father or someone or one of Cromwell's buddies.
Where's he from then?
He's from France, mate.
From France.
That'll explain why he was singing in French.
Chocolat show, yeah, chocolat show.
I translated some of that.
Go on.
Now, this is a rough translation because I only ever heard that one time and I'm not that good at French, but I'm pretty certain he was saying chocolate show, chocolate show, buy me papaya, buy me mango.
have you got the duty-free white chocolate don't let it get too hot put it on your hat not under it unless the sun shines too fast then it will go bad now after this next track i'm gonna tell you a story about one of one of the i like to get into a confrontation with a member of the public every now and again
in a shop.
And after this track, I'm going to tell you about my latest shop confrontation.
But before my shop confrontation tale, let's hear one of Eddie Temple Morris' selections this month.
This is by a band called Olympus Mons.
You thought that was dirty.
It's not dirty.
The Olympus Mons is what one of the mountains on Mars is called.
Yeah, but it's also the, like, raised area on which a woman's pubis grows.
No, it's not.
That's the mon's pubis.
Well, I like to call it the mon's Olympus.
Because you're going out with kind of real... Because I'm god-like.
Record-breaking girls.
When I'm naked, I'm god-like.
Yeah.
And I often climb that mountain.
The Mons Olympus.
And the song's called what?
Follow You Down.
It's a dirty song.
It has to be a dirty song.
Follow you down to the Mons Olympus.
There you go, that was Olympus Mons with Follow You Down.
I liked that a lot.
That was very good.
Do you know what I think that's indicative of?
What?
This podcast having a massive effect on British new bands.
He's trying to sound like our other European bands, even though he's British.
Because we've made it cool to sound like you're from Europe.
Well, he reminded me a great deal of the lead singer of Block Party there.
The same kind of vocal gymnastics that he's...
It's kind of a combination between Robert Smith, right, from The Cure, and the Arctic Monkeys, and it's like he's mushed together every single vocal style.
That's different, that.
He wasn't doing any of that.
He wasn't going like that!
He was in my mind.
He was going, I wanna lead, Stratham, come on!
He wants to get out of Streatham Common.
Really?
Who can blame him?
A text message could have sealed my fate, he was saying in there.
That's modern stuff.
Two thumbs up from Adam and Joe for that one.
That was fantastic.
Olympus Mons with Follow You Down.
Now, I was in a shop buying a record the other day, Joe.
Big, famous shop.
I won't say which.
And when it came time to pay for my items, the lady behind the counter reached for a plastic bag, as they always do.
Now I carry a backpack around with me because I'm kind of a nerd and I cycle everywhere.
You don't need no placky bag.
I don't need one.
I don't want a placky bag plus, right?
I personally don't want to kill the planet anymore with placky bags, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like secure the placky bags.
You don't need a bag.
You don't need a bag.
Just
I agree with you.
I feel very strongly about this.
So I always think that shops shouldn't even offer you a bag unless you ask for one.
If you ask for one, that's a different matter.
But they shouldn't just reach for one as a matter of course.
You know what they might as well do?
What?
Get a seabird out from under the counter and kill it on the counter.
Exactly.
Shall I kill a seabird, sir?
Yes, please.
haven't they seen happy feet you know they may as well just have a tank with a big sweet dolphin in it called Raymond and they just get a gun and they shoot Raymond right in the face yeah so you would like a plastic bag with that sir yes please all right they take the plastic bag out yeah and they take a dolphin out and put the plastic bag over his head and kill the dolphin over his bottlenose
That's what they're doing, isn't it?
It's more or less exactly what they're doing.
I said, it doesn't matter.
She goes, well, you can't leave the shop if your items are in a bag.
So I said, listen, surely the way it works is you just scan the items and then they are no longer security tagged.
They don't set the alarms off.
She said, no, that's not how it works in this shop.
I said, well, OK, then I'll have my receipt.
I'll be able to prove I paid for them that way.
I don't need a plastic bag.
She said, yes, you do.
I said, no, listen, I don't.
Anyway, I've got a bag.
Show me.
I said, what?
She said, show me the bag.
I was like, it's down here, I don't need to show you the bag.
She said, yes you do, show it to me now.
I was like, this is stupid.
Come on.
I was getting wound up by that point, right?
I'm not surprised.
And I was just thinking, this is absolutely nuts.
And I said, no, I'm not going to show you my bag.
Just give me my stuff.
I'm going to pay for it.
And I'm going to walk out of the shop without a plastic bag.
You dolphin killing freak.
I'd have showed her my nut bag.
Would you?
I'd have said, yeah, all right.
I'll show you my bag.
Yeah.
I would have got my dangly, wrinkly old balls out and popped them on the counter.
I'd say, scan that, you ****.
Anyway, she was being a bit weird, right?
So I said, listen, listen, this is stupid.
Just get the manager, all right?
Get the manager right now, because this is daft.
So she gets the manager grudgingly, brings him over.
And she goes, this gentleman won't have a bag.
He refuses to have a bag.
So the guy goes, well, that's okay.
He can just keep his receipt.
Yeah, you know, you know, and the girl's manager.
So off goes the manager.
And I'm like, I'm like, okay, you know, just putting my card through the swiping machine.
And she goes,
Oh, well, that's great.
Now he made me look like a complete fool.
Well, well done you.
I think you're absolutely right.
I think every shop in the world should give recycled paper bags.
I think it should be legal to do plastic bags.
Now let's listen to some more music now on the Coke New Music podcast.
This is a track from a band called Televox.
They're French, once again.
Televox.
and this track is called Merry Christmas.
It's a seasonal track because, as everyone knows, it's spring.
Who knows what season it is anymore, eh?
Now the world's gone mad.
Al Gore.
Global warming.
Thanks, Al Gore.
Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
Great.
Of course, some seasonal confusion there, saying Merry Christmas, even though it's now spring.
But of course, as we all know, the seasons don't exist anymore.
No.
You can't just depend on the fact that it'll be winter, spring, summer, autumn, winter again.
No.
It could be any kind of weather any day now, thanks to the global warming.
Thanks to Al Gore.
Thanks to Al Gore.
Thanks a lot, Al Gore.
Thanks very much.
Thanks very much for ruining the planet's weather.
The other day it was snowing upwards.
Was it?
Snow was coming out of the ground and going up into space.
Do you know what?
I saw a sparrow come out with a gun and kill itself.
You cried there when you said that?
I was so confused.
The little sparrow with a little pistol.
He went, I don't know what season it is.
That's right.
I saw some worms.
I saw a tortoise trying to buy a house.
But very good music there from that lot.
A kind of warm analog synth sound.
And what a great name, Televox.
Now I was thinking this month that we should end the show with a big crash-bang-wallop of a crossover smash.
Trip with Summer Sundays.
I thought it was very original.
He mentions having a rhyming book in the song and he does indeed come up with some very good rhymes.
My favourite being Meg Ryan and Red Wine.
Redway and yeah make quite good isn't it yeah yeah make run lovely glass of make guess glass of make would you be good rhyming slang wouldn't it yeah he also fancies Jessica Rabbit now that's something I have to take issue with Jessica Rabbit she's bunched in there with all those icons Marilyn Monroe Bridget Bando etc
I never found rabbits sexy.
No cartoon characters are sexy, really, are they?
Not really.
Not really, because they don't.
They're two-dimensional.
They're flat.
And flatness takes the edge off slightly.
I did try to hump a poster once.
Did you?
Yeah.
When I was quite young, I tried to have sex with a poster.
Did you ever do that?
No, I never did that.
Did you really do that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sweet baby.
I lay on top of a poster and humped it.
Johnny.
And it was quite good.
That's actually a true story as well, listeners.
He's not making that up.
He humped a poster.
I humped a poster.
That is insane.
Come on.
You humped something.
I never humped a poster.
What have you humped?
Cups.
You humped a cup.
Come on, we're getting off the subject here.
Trip, summer Sundays.
That's dangerous.
Cup humping, don't do it, folks.
Really?
Especially if it's a little chipped.
uh... trip summer sundays that's the kind of track that we hear every now and again on the podcast which is just a ready made smash that could be number one tomorrow you know what a pleasure amazing to think that that guy's unsigned he surely won't be for very long you heard it here first
an extremely strong collection of tracks this month on the podcast and don't forget if you think you've got some new music what you've made that you think can contend with the likes of what we've played then visit www.coke.com slash music and upload your own stuff
Nicely said though before there.
Thanks man.
You've got some music with what like you play done.
That's the way the kids talk.
Just because you can't talk to the kids anymore.
It's true, it's true.
Because you're so old and you don't know the way they construct sentences anymore.
I've stopped humping posters.
You don't hump posters, you just hump cups.
Come on, no one's humping cups anymore.
Fruit, cups and fruit.
What about a big pillow?
Oh yeah, well that's different.
Everyone's done a pillow.
I'd like to have a party where people just bring the pillow.
Big sexy pillow.
A big sexy pillow.
You know, an orgy.
A pillow orgy.
I wouldn't like to have that.
really horrible.
It would be revolting.
That's strange.
Imagine the washing.
Imagine.
Thanks a lot for listening folks.
Hope you found something to enjoy in these few minutes with us.
Yeah and sit back and have yourself a glass of Meg Ryan and forget you ever heard any of this.
Until next time, cheery bye-bye.
Goodbyes.
That's my new sign-off.
Disappointing.
It is, isn't it?
Chiri-bi-bo.
It's not good.
Listen, I never said it was good.
Where did you get it from?
I made it up just on the spur there.
Well, really.
Damn the spur.
I've got to get off the spur, that's the thing.
Chiri-bi-bo.
Good-boos.
That's better.
Good-boos.
Chiri-bowls.
Not better.
Tutty-boobs.
Tutty-balls.
You're on fire.
I'm still with Chiri-bi-bo.
It's because of your f***ing cup.
I know.